Need sex. Gaining weight.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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