so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
