I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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