I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
