he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
