that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
