Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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