Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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