My hand turned me down
he shaved USA in his pubs
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
