Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
