i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
