i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
