So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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