I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
