your parents love me but you hate me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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