Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
