They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can feel your judgement through the phone
wow bdsm is so cute
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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