i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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