My liver just broke up with me...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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