I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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