Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
