Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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