I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
