we have officially lost it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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