I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
