You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
