My friends, they love my intelligence
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
