she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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