so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
