Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
