There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Vodka?
Forever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
