Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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