dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
