I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
