Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
