Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
