I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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