you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
