You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
