i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
