I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
