I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
accomplished twins. life is a go
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
