im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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