matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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