I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
40s are totally the cure
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
