Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
