By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
