how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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