I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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