im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
